Completely unprepped for doomsday

September 9, 2014 - storage organizer

All opposite a republic people are scheming or, in a shorthand, “prepping” for a entrance canon — a day when, in a even shorter hand, a “SHTF.” That’s an acronym preppers use that stands, almost, for “something hits a fan.”

I review news stories about this anticipatory readiness. we declare it on existence TV, a area in that shows are essentially about Alaskans, Kardashians and preppers. Even some-more meaningfully, we see it in such heading informative indicators as costco.com and SkyMall. Many people consider a amicable meltdown looms, and they are removing their gear, from canned products to weaponry, in order.

Yet we dawdle. we toe-drag. Instead of outfitting a family for a indeterminate kind of survival, we let myself get dreaming by such few matters as either my sons have girlfriends and should we try one of those stand-up desks.

But we know, in my heart of hearts, that we am lax, and we contingency take stock. Let me enumerate a ways in that we am not prepared for a apocalypse:

1. we do not have a zombie fighting plan. we am rarely informed with a novel (“The Walking Dead,” “Shaun of a Dead,” “Zone One”), and we know that a simple technique is to gash them theatrically in a conduct usually before their gnashing teeth spin we into one of them. But faced with genuine zombies, I’m not certain I’d have a fervour for head-stabbing that a people on “Walking Dead” demonstrate. I’d be a blase head-stabber.

lRelated 'The Walking Dead' messenger array gets commander sequence during AMC
Television‘The Walking Dead’ messenger array gets commander sequence during AMCSee all related

2. we have not doled out $3,999.99 to Costco for a “32,000 Total Servings 4-Person 1-Year Food Storage,” an tangible product. It’s an amalgam of freeze-dried and droughty foodstuffs that is ostensible to waves we over until, we don’t know, a new supervision organizes itself and Big Agra tills again. we know, we know. I’m an idiot! The “shipment arrives on a pallet that is black-wrapped for confidence and privacy.” The video says that “you’ll have assent of mind meaningful your family is well-prepared.” It’s a totally advantageous thing to buy. Yet when we go to Costco we squeeze indisputably perishable rotisserie chickens and tubs of hummus.

In my groundwork a cans of food are outnumbered by a bottles of wine. And even if we were to buy a secrecy pallet of puncture rations, I’d have to make room for it by removing absolved of my kids’ collection of aged sports cleats. Who’s to contend that, when a predicament comes, higher balance won’t be some-more profitable than freeze-dried “potato chunks”?

3. we have not even doled out $99.50 to REI for a “Emergency Go Bag,” that is prepper rigging rather than a toilet alternative, or $63.48 to SkyMall for a “3-Person Backpack Survival Kit.” we have review “The Road,” and we have review “Alive” we have seen a documentary about a Donner Party. And we know that backpacking for presence has singular appeal, generally when 3 people are involved. If I’m going to deposit in a preparedness exercise from SkyMall, it’s going to be a framed duplicate of a strange 13 manners of golf — golf seems prepared to strike large when we are returned to a field-based existence — or a fatalistic print that says, “I can’t guarantee that I’ll be here for a rest of your life … we can guarantee that I’ll adore we for a rest of mine.” It’s usually satisfactory to let your associate know, around wall art purchased from a round in a seat-back pocket, that she can go forward and live though you.

4. we am shocked by a concealed- and open-carry laws that have widespread opposite a republic even faster than happy matrimony and pot legalization laws. What is a widespread permit of gun-toting if not survivalism voiced by legislation? Sure, military chiefs conflict such laws, though what do military chiefs know about doing weaponry? Also, frankly, we have zero to disguise or lift myself, unless we count a arsenal of Super Soakers and Nerf guns left over from my sons’ younger days. Not usually are these weapons not lethal, though really few of them could even be termed “operational” anymore.

5. we classify my thoughts in lists. That’s Web enlightenment thinking. When a canon hits, there will be no some-more Web culture, or smartphones, or organizer apps, and paper will be too changed to rubbish on a array of enumerated thoughts. Whatever we have to contend will have to be barked out with adequate management to keep a barkee from murdering we for your shoelaces.

6. we have review a “experts'” explanations for all this pre-societal meltdown fervor, and still we do not act. Just since doomsday restlessness has happened via American story doesn’t meant that this time isn’t a right time. Yes, a 19th-century finish times religions have not been scold yet. Sure, a relatives and grandparents who built backyard chief shelters did not see their efforts rewarded with a well-placed A-bomb. And a Y2K and Mayan calendar worriers have had to go on profitable bills, going to a bureau and assembly with a retirement financial planner.

7. Finally, my cars are not swathed in armor, jacked adult to go approach off highway and propitious with machine-gun turrets, as we have seen finished to cars on TV shows such as “Doomsday Garage.” My 10-year-old Mazda minivan will get a family about as distant as Rockford, we figure, and that’s usually if there aren’t a common dual lanes of construction on I-90. There we could trade a outpost for cans of droughty food and pass a remaining hours during whatever’s left of that large H2O park manifest from a highway, shifting into a gross H2O and blustering a approaching zombies with Nerf bullets.

When we can no longer reason out, well, that’s when we punch down on a cyanide capsules — OK, I’m going to be a small bit prepared — and appreciate a propitious stars we didn’t spend a good days cloaked in paranoia, guess and rarely speculative, ridiculously dear planning.

sajohnson@tribune.com Twitter @StevenKJohnson

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